An Italian proverb reads:
PRIMA DELL’UNIONE, MANTENGA UN OCCHIO CHIUSO. DOPO L’UNIONE, MANTENGALI ENTRAMBI CHIUSI!
(BEFORE MARRIAGE, KEEP ONE EYE CLOSED. AFTER MARRIAGE, KEEP THEM BOTH CLOSED!)
Okay, when, in any relationship, is it better to overlook the fault of the other, and when is it better to confront it?
Nagging does not work. Or haven’t you noticed? It seems to me that when I confront someone on something repeatedly and that person does not change, that is a clear indication to keep both eyes closed in the future. You might have to distance yourself from the relationship, but doing so without nagging might be very peaceful for you.
It also seems that there are certain personality patterns that cannot change. So, expecting an introvert to become an extrovert will only cause frustration. Expecting a highly disorganized person to become organized or a person who does not navigate well in the kitchen to become a great cook will also only cause frustration. Hence, personality and lack-of- talent patterns deserve both eyes to be closed.
In a friendship circle once, one member made us wait whenever we picked him up. I learned to accept his tardiness as a part of his character. However, in accepting that, I see I was called not to travel in the same car with him to an event at which I wanted to arrive on time. Instead of changing him, I was called to both eyes closed and, instead, change me, the only person over whom I have control.
The one-eye-open tactic seems appropriate when there is a pattern of behavior emerging that is changeable. To facilitate that change though, I find it is better to be assertive rather than aggressive. The assertive person honors both the rights of the other and him/herself; the aggressive person only honors the rights of him/herself. More specifically, the assertive person does not judge the other. He/she merely states his/her feelings and then requests the change.
An aggressive scenario would look something like this:
“You are always late. What’s the matter with you? Can’t you get organized?
An assertive scenario would look something like this:
“I always become frustrated when I am late for an event. Whenever we go someplace together, you are late and that makes me late. You’d help me a lot if you would try to be on time for things. Would you make an effort toward that? I’d really appreciate it.”
In the assertive scenario, the person owns his/her feelings and does not blame the other for his/her feelings. He/she then merely asks for the friend’s assistance. If this does not work, he/she uses the both-eyes-closed method but takes steps to protect him/herself.
Reflection questions :
- When and with whom do you find yourself being Aggressive? Assertive?
- When should you keep both eyes closed? Open?
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From the book, Sharing Meals Heals: An Italian ‘Menu’ For Inner Peace by